Let them save face
Recently, I was working with a client who wanted help on relationship building. As I always do in my individual consulting I observe and offer feedback on my client’s strengths and areas of opportunity.
This client was very organized and very quick to respond to the forms I sent him before our first meeting. I’m usually very good about remembering what forms each of my clients have returned to me but being extra busy with lots of clients I couldn’t remember if he had sent me the signed letter of agreement. I mentioned this and he said, “I apologize, I may not have sent it.” I had a hunch he had sent it, because he was so organized, but I was impressed with his response.
As it turns out, he did send it to me and I believe he knew this. He could have said “yes, I sent it.” and depending on his tone he could have conveyed “you are a dummy because I sent it to you, don’t you remember?” Instead, he took responsibility for it and didn’t make me feel wrong that I couldn’t remember if he had emailed me the form.
I shared with him how powerful and positive that is to do with others. That it’s easy to want to be right, to tell the other person they were wrong. But he didn’t and therefore, I didn’t feel foolish for not remembering receiving the agreement.
Another example of this happened today at the pool I swim at. I was getting dressed and was taking up maybe a little more room than I should have. When the person next to me arrived to get dressed she graciously said to me “I’m going to move to another area so you have more room.” She could have glared at me, or said, “I’m going to move so I have more room”, making me feel badly.
Both my client and the woman at the pool were being gracious and other-focused. Instead of pointing out my faults or mistakes, they assumed responsibility. They let me save face, which is a lovely way to behave. It is the essence of good etiquette – never making others feel uncomfortable or wrong.
I admit, sometimes that’s hard for me to do. I have a hard time allowing myself to make mistakes. I am a perfectionist and when I’m put in the position of being questioned about something I did or didn’t do, it’s hard for me to not get defensive. But my client and the pool lady demonstrated how much nicer it is for both parties when you don’t make someone feel wrong or react defensively.
What about you? Does allowing others to save face come easily to you? Do you struggle sometimes with wanting to be right? What do you think of letting others save face?
Arden Clise, President of Clise Etiquette, is a business etiquette consultant and columnist for the Puget Sound Business Journal. As a speaker and corporate trainer, Arden is an expert in the field of business etiquette. She can be reached at 206-708-1670 or arden@cliseetiquette.com
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